Wintergirls

Jennifer explains that she wanted to tell Lia about Cassie’s death before Lia heard about it at school. The cause of the death is still unknown. Lia asks where her father is, and Jennifer says he had a meeting early at the college where he is a professor. Jennifer recommends Lia make an appointment with her therapist, Dr. Parker, that afternoon, but Lia insists she’ll see Dr. Parker at her regular appointment next week. Jennifer comments that she’s happy Lia and Cassie weren’t friends anymore, because, as she tells Lia, Cassie “could have taken you down with her” (3).

Jennifer reminds Lia to eat something before school. Lia moved in with her father, stepmom, Jennifer, and stepsister, Emma, six months ago after being discharged from a facility for people with eating disorders. A meal plan for Lia is taped to the cabinet. Lia assures Jennifer she will eat some cereal. Jennifer leaves to take Emma to school.

After Jennifer and Emma leave, Lia pours cereal and milk into a bowl. Lia doesn’t want to eat the cereal, thinking to herself, “Empty is good. Empty is strong” (7), but Lia knows she has to drive Emma to soccer practice after school.

Lia remembers driving around with Cassie a year earlier. Lia hadn’t eaten anything that day or the night before, causing her vision to blur and causing her to crash her car. In the hospital, Lia remembers her parents fighting. After Lia was let out of the hospital, her parents sent her to New Seasons, the facility that treats patients with eating disorders. Lia remembers, “Cassie escaped, as usual” (9). Cassie was able to resume her normal life while Lia spent time at New Seasons.

Now, Lia knows that “Driving requires fuel” (9) and she will have to eat something if she is going to be driving her car later that day. Lia throws most of the cereal down the garbage disposal and feeds the rest to Emma’s pet cats. Lia carefully counts out and eats raisins, almonds, and a pear, along with her vitamins.

Lia goes upstairs to her bedroom. For the last six months, since moving in with her father and stepmother, Lia has been living in the guest room. She sleeps on a sofa bed and most of her belongings are still in boxes. Jennifer has offered to buy Lia furniture and help her decorate, but Lia tells Jennifer she hasn’t decided what she wants to do yet.

Lia remembers the last time she spoke to Cassie, six months earlier, after Lia was discharged from New Seasons. Cassie told Lia that Lia was “the root of all evil […] a negative influence, a toxic shadow” (11). Cassie’s parents forced Cassie to see a doctor after the car crash, and Cassie no longer wanted to be friends with Lia because she considered Lia a bad influence.

Over the weekend, between Saturday night and Sunday morning, right before Cassie died, Cassie called Lia 33 times. Lia let the calls go to voicemail each time. Now, Lia listens to the voicemails. In the voice messages, Cassie begs Lia to call her back.

Lia gets into her car and drives to school. As she drives, Lia starts to cry. Lia thinks to herself, “What was she doing there? What was she thinking? Did it hurt?” (14). Lia arrives at school “late by their standards, early by mine” (14). Lia steps out of the car and momentarily appreciates the cold November air. Then, Lia gets back in the car and wipes her tears with her shirt. Lia remembers that Jennifer told Lia there would be an autopsy performed on Cassie. Lia waits in the car until she knows the classroom hallways are empty, then gets out and goes into the high school.

At school, Lia remembers how her mother, whom she thinks of as Dr. Marrigan, wanted Lia to attend an Ivy League college and become a doctor. Instead, Lia was taken out of honors classes, and Lia’s counselor suggested Lia attend the college where her father works, because Lia can attend for free. Lia thought, “I was relieved” (17) but Lia’s mother insisted that Lia “was too smart to be a slacker faculty kid” (17). Lia thinks, “But then I screwed up again and they slammed me back in the hospital and when I got out, I changed all the rules” (17). After leaving the hospital, Lia chose to live with her father and stepmother instead of her mother.

Lia falls asleep in physics class and feels self-conscious walking through the hallways. Lia eventually goes to the nurse’s office and asks to lay down for a while. The nurse, aware of Lia’s previous struggles with anorexia, asks Lia if she is being weighed regularly. Lia assures the nurse that she is. The nurse allows Lia to lay down on the condition that she drink some orange juice first. After drinking the orange juice, Lia sits on the cot and finds a news article about Cassie’s death on her phone. According to the article, the cause of Cassie’s death has not been determined and funeral arrangements haven’t yet been made. Lia remembers how Cassie had a reputation for being daring and risk-taking, thinking, “She’d try anything once, did you hear about the time under the bleachers/at the mall/at summer camp? She drove herself into a speeding train/jumped without a parachute/strapped on a weight belt and dove into the ocean” (22).

The nurse gives Lia extra blankets and tells Lia that the viewing for Cassie will be Wednesday night, and the burial will be Saturday.

After school, Lia drives Emma to soccer practice. Lia allowed Emma to get a slushie and chips, but makes Emma promise not to tell Jennifer. As they drive, Lia sees a mattress on the side of the road. Lia wonders how someone could not notice that a mattress had fallen off their car. Lia imagines the mattress belonging to a woman who was moving in with a guy she met online. Lia creates a scenario in which, “She promised him her body and soul. He promised her three meals a day and a house […] He didn’t stop when the mattress fell off. A new wife deserves a clean bed, that’s what he always said” (24). Then, Lia imagines a biker woman driving down the road when her bike flips, but the woman lands on the mattress, saving her life. Lia thinks, “The smell of Emma’s potato chips is doing this to my brain” (24).

Lia and Emma arrive at the soccer field. Lia thinks, “Emma is a mattress who got thrown off the truck when her parents split up” (25) and “It’s not like you can blame a mattress when people don’t tie it down tight enough” (25). Emma doesn’t want to go to soccer practice. Lia offers to get out of the car and kick the ball to Emma. Suddenly, Emma jumps out of the car. Wondering why Emma changed her mind so quickly, Lia calls to Emma and asks if she can watch Emma play. After some prodding, Emma admits that she doesn’t want Lia to get out of the car because the coach asked Emma if Lia was suffering from cancer due to her long stints in the hospital, and Emma said yes. Emma apologizes to Lia and says, “‘I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to say’” (26). Lia assures Emma she understands and it’s fine. As Lia drives off, she thinks, “I wish I had cancer. I will burn in hell for that, but it’s true” (27).