The Extraordinary Life of Sam Hell

In the second semester of Sam’s sixth-grade year, Michaela “Mickie” Kennedy is a new student at OLM. Her parents sent her to Catholic school due to behavior problems. Mickie has short hair and wears short skirts, and she prefers to hang out with the boys: “Boys in the class denied her admittance into our exclusive domain, but we learned quickly that Mickie was not to be denied” (147). She especially enjoys challenging Ernie at sports.

A popular girl, Mary Beth, nominates Sam to be class lector for the upcoming school-wide Mass, which the students’ parents will attend. It is an important job but anxiety-inducing for some students. He knows his mother will be ecstatic. Though this nomination was intended as a joke, Mickie seconds the nomination. Ernie tells Sam he fears Valerie and Mary Beth are trying to humiliate Sam, but Mickie encourages Sam, telling him he deserves the honor. When Sam rushes home from school to tell his mother the news, she is worried but congratulates him. Sam is eager to begin his preparation, and Madeline, having done theater work in college, offers to help along with Sam’s father. Sam notices his father has been missing dinner due to working late; their pharmacy is losing business to a larger chain drugstore. Sam’s parents love each other, and it brings him comfort to see them happy.

When Sam enters the classroom on the day of the Mass, he runs right into Sister Beatrice, who is subbing for their regular teacher Sister Mary Williams. The nun is in a foul mood, and when she overhears Ernie curse, she immediately issues him detention. She also punishes several students for speaking. She makes Sam go last in line to enter the church, claiming vanity is sinful, and whispers to him, “Your classmates chose you because they want to see you fail” (161). Her breath reeks of alcohol.

When Sam steps up to the podium, he realizes some of his classmates have switched his notes as a vindictive prank. Ernie rings the altar bells to disrupt the service to draw attention away from Sam; Ernie also suspects that the startling sound will dispel Sam’s nervousness. He is right, and Sam, no longer self-conscious, delivers his memorized speech flawlessly—until the end when he switches the words “virgin birth” to “vaginal birth.” Sam does not want Ernie alone to be punished for ringing the bells, so he’s decided to turn the Mass into comedy, and his gaffe sends all the students into hysterical laughter. Madeline Hill also laughs in her pew, but Sister Beatrice is incensed.

After Mass, the livid nuns march the students back to the classroom, where Mickie stands up for Ernie and Sam saying she found it all quite humorous. Sister Beatrice drags her from the room, and no one sees Mickie for the rest of the day. Sam comes home to freshly baked cookies from his mother celebrating his success. The following Monday, Sister Mary Williams returns and reveals to Sam she is losing her eyesight. Sam feels compassion for her, and she reminds him that God has a plan for everyone. As “punishment” for the boys’ liturgical mischief, she only makes Ernie and Sam stay after class for 15 minutes each day to clean erasers. Mickie returns and says her parents only grounded her from watching television.

Two years later, in 1971, Sam, Ernie, and Mickie graduate from grammar school. At the school dance, Sam realizes he has feelings for Mickie. A new principal replaces Sister Beatrice, but she leaves a Bible as a gift for Sam, which he will keep into adulthood. Sam and Ernie matriculate to the all-boys high school, and Mickie to the all-girls school, but the administration expels her for smoking marijuana.