The Book of Delights

In the preface for The Book of Delights, Gay writes that after a year of recording delights, he found his life “not without sorrow or fear or pain or loss. But more full of delight” (7). Throughout the project, Gay does not ignore grief but uses it to highlight how wonderful delight really is. In “Joy is Such a Human Madness,” Gay explores how “the intolerable makes life worthwhile” (45). This becomes a theme throughout the essays as he records his honest thoughts and experiences, not withholding negative emotions like anxiety and paranoia, while consistently finding things to delight in. The symbiotic relationship between grief and joy is evident in a few topics Gay returns to throughout his essays. The first of these topics is physical touch between strangers, the second is death, and the third is his poverty-stricken childhood.

Many of his essays ramble through unpleasantness like racism, the death of a loved one, and societal and political unrest. In “Kombucha in a Mid-Century Glass,” Gay acknowledges that his delights often illuminate his afflictions, like his love for glasses reminiscent of an era centered on whiteness. Similarly, sometimes his afflictions illuminate his delight. In “To Spread the Sweetness of Love,” Gay’s anxious walking around the airport leads him to witness an act of love between friends that renews his faith in the goodness of humankind. In “Tap Tap,” Gay is reminded that physical touch between strangers can be an embodiment of almost familial intimacy, rewriting his fear of aggressive and ill-intentioned physical contact. The grief that has occurred because of ill-intentioned touch between strangers makes Gay so much more eager to celebrate loving, friendly contact. In “The High-Five from Strangers, Etc.,” Gay is pleasantly surprised when interrupted for a high-five and writes, “For I love, I delight in, unequivocal pleasant public physical interactions with strangers” (31).

Gay frequently writes about death and loss, believing that the knowledge that we are consistently passing away adds to the value and enjoyment of life. In “Donny Hathaway on Pandora,” Gay writes that the knowledge and understanding of death “might be the beginning of a radical love. A renovating love, even” (97). He underscores this understanding with gardening analogies in “Transplanting,” describing how he needed to cut down fig trees to replant them. The cuttings are a reminder of promises and dreams. He also writes about a dream in which he realizes with striking clarity that he is going to die someday. While this realization may have scared others, Gay was overwhelmed with “an absolute love for this life” (47).

Gay clearly states that he was raised in a poverty-stricken family, describing how the car his father drove was held together by a bungee cord, Gay’s wristbands were the top of tube socks, and so on. Despite the grief that accompanies the struggles of poverty, Gay writes joyfully and nostalgically about his childhood, delighting in the fun he had with friends and the memories he shares of his father. The dominant middle-class narrative about poverty is that it must be hurtful and negative, and to revel in the joys life brings regardless of income level is an act of radical acceptance of oneself. The lack he experienced in his childhood contributes to the delight he now feels in his ability to rest, take his time, and blow off responsibilities. In “Blowing it Off,” he shares how his father did not have the option to call out of work, and so to honor how far he has come, Gay delights in blowing things off.

By not ignoring the unpleasantness of life, and instead celebrating the delight the unpleasantness highlights, Gay demonstrates the symbiotic relationship between grief and joy. Joy cannot be fully appreciated without grief, just as the understanding of death overwhelms Gay with a love for his life. By exploring this symbiotic relationship between grief and joy, Gay finds more delight and joy in his appreciation for life.