76 pages • 2 hours read
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Craig begins by telling the reader that “it’s hard to talk when you want to kill yourself” (3). He is at his best friend, Aaron’s, house with Aaron’s girlfriend, Nia and their friend Ronny, smoking pot. Craig goes to the bathroom for a long time, finding peace in the dark with the lights off. He hopes that Nia doesn’t notice there’s no light from the bottom of the door.
Craig visits his therapist, Dr. Minerva. He thinks about the books on the shelves and different psychiatric disorders. Craig thinks that if he had been abused, he would have “justification and something I could work on” (10) but his depression doesn’t come from a particular event. He tells Dr. Minerva that “life is a nightmare” (12) because it is so complicated. Craig spirals when things are complicated or imperfect. He missed an opportunity to do an extra credit assignment and now won’t get 98.6% in the class, which is the ideal grade because it’s the ideal body temperature. He thinks he won’t get into a good college and will have a horrible life. Craig calls these thought spirals his “Tentacles.” He likes things that are simple, like urinating. He calls these things that help him feel better his “Anchors.”
Craig describes moments from his childhood. When Craig was four, his family lived in a “crappy apartment” in Manhattan with an exposed pipe which Craig liked to touch and dare his friends to touch. He had an affinity for maps and tried to draw a map of Manhattan with tracing paper. After several failed tries, Craig broke down. His mother suggests that Craig draws imaginary maps instead, which Craig loves.
Back in Dr. Minerva’s office, Craig explains that he wanted to become a map maker. As he leaves, he struggles to find words to explain “what he’ll do” when he gets home. A voice in his head, which he later calls Army Guy, talks to him like he’s a soldier. Dr. Minerva makes sure that Craig is seeing Dr. Barney, the physician in charge of his medication.
Craig heads home to his family’s apartment in Brooklyn. Even though their apartment is nice, he misses living in Manhattan, where “all the real people with power live” (31). Although Craig used to love junk food, he hasn’t been able to eat since the previous autumn. He hopes for the “Shift” to happen so that eating isn’t a struggle anymore.
At home, Craig is welcomed by his parents, little sister, Sarah, and their two pet dogs. Craig’s parents have prepared dinner, which he tries to eat. He tells them about his day and how he couldn’t answer a question in history class even though he knew the answer. He wants nothing more than to be “normal” but can’t seem to do the things other teenagers do. After dinner, he throws up in the bathroom and hopes that the Shift is coming, otherwise he fears he might die.
In these first six chapters, the reader is introduced to Craig’s experience of anxiety and depression. While Craig marks the autumn of the previous year as the time that he stopped feeling happy, his reflections into his childhood show his early tendencies toward worry, compulsions, and perfectionism. Even though he is only 15, Craig seems to carry the weight of his entire future on his shoulders. He hates Brooklyn for being a former swamp and wishes he lived in Manhattan where the “real” people who are rich and influential live. This reveals Craig’s high expectations for his own success. He does not only compare himself to other people his age, he compares his life to the rich and powerful people in Manhattan. The bar is set high. This high expectation paired with his growing anxiety and depression results in Craig’s downward thought spirals which he calls his “Tentacles.” This is when every action and event seem connected and out of control. For example, simply missing an extra-credit assignment causes him to spiral to the conclusion he won’t have a fulfilled life. Craig’s fear combined with his current reality shows the irony of his anxiety. Being so anxious about being unhappy is largely what contributes to the very happiness he fears. For example, when he realizes how much his mother accomplishes in a day off, Craig worries that he will never be able to function as an adult: “That’s like three times too much for me to get done in one day. How am I ever going to have my own house?” (42)
This section introduces The Impact of Mental Illness, one of the key themes in the novel. Craig tries to force himself to feel better. He makes comments like, “I am going to eat the food my mom made me. I am in control of my mind, and I have medication and I am going to make this happen” (37-38). The voice of Army Guy, Craig’s inner critic, shows how hard Craig is on himself, saying things like, “How about I pump you full of lead, soldier, would that get you motivated?” (29). While Craig tries to respond, “the enemy is too strong,” (29) Army Guy cannot be reasoned with. Craig ultimately begins to realize that his feelings are not personal failings but the result of chemical imbalances beyond his control. When he realizes that stuffing himself with food, smoking pot, or being around family doesn’t resolve his feelings, Craig says, “I’ve started to think it must just be chemistry” (34). This realistic depiction of a young person with mental illness shows not only the all-consuming impact it has on his life but also the double-edged sword of self-awareness and self-criticism. Craig is incredibly self-aware, self-conscious, and self-critical, and this is both what allows him to insightfully seek help and also what contributes to his suffering in the first place.
The people in Craig’s life are important to his development. His family deeply cares about him and wants to help; they pay for doctors that they struggle to afford and try to keep Craig fed despite his struggles with eating. While Craig’s parents try to help him, they haven’t been in his position and struggle to know how to respond. His sister Sarah’s simple response of “I’m sorry” (39) when he says he’s not doing well shows that she is perhaps the most understanding of his situation. Instead of trying to make him feel better, she displays simple empathy, showing the Importance of Human Connection as a part of healing and recovery, another key theme in the novel.