How to Win Friends and Influence People

A heartfelt smile raises everyone’s mood. Smilers tend to be more effective with others. Telephone companies train their salespeople to smile when talking on the phone. The author’s public-speaking students, some of whom rarely smiled, practiced smiling at others regularly, and they reported amazing results as others smiled back—work life went better, and sales improved. One student, who began smiling, ceased criticizing others, and focused on others’ wants and needs declared, “these things have literally revolutionized my life” (67).

Sometimes, people don’t feel in the mood to smile, but they should smile anyway: The act begins to improve their mood and cheerfulness follows. In the same way, one can respond to problems with enthusiasm or despair, depending on a person’s inner state, and their reaction determines the outcome.

Smiles are essentially free to give, and for others caught up in the stresses of daily life, “your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds” (69). The second principle of being liked is: “Smile” (70). 

Franklin Roosevelt’s campaign manager, Jim Farley, was able to remember the names of 50,000 people. His secret was to memorize the names of everyone he met along with some facts about them, and, on meeting again, utter their name and inquire about their family or business or other detail.

Steel magnate Andrew Carnegie battled George Pullman for control of the railroad sleeping car industry. Their war for supremacy damaged both companies. Carnegie suggested they halt the battle and combine the two firms. Pullman asked what the company would be called, and Carnegie answered, “Why, the Pullman Palace Car Company, of course” (74-75). The deal was struck, and history was made.

President Franklin Roosevelt, whose legs were paralyzed, received a custom Chrysler car that could be controlled entirely by hand. He made a point of complimenting the designer, WF Chamberlain, on the many fine details that went into the vehicle. The president also went over to the attending mechanic, addressed him by name, and thanked him for his efforts. Chamberlain later received a letter of thanks with an autographed photo of Roosevelt.

The third principle of being liked is: “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language” (79). 

The author remembers attending social events where he got caught up in stimulating conversations with others—a woman who had recently returned from Africa; a botanist with wide and intriguing knowledge of plants—and how he listened, rapt, as they told their stories. Though Carnegie said little, he received a compliment from the botanist, who declared him an “interesting conversationalist.”

Writer Jack Woodford said, “few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention” (81). People love to be listened to. The harshest complainer will soften if he is heard out completely and sympathetically. Listening well is a rare trait that is deeply appreciated.

Lincoln brought a friend to the White House to hear him talk through his indecision about freeing the slaves; the friend offered no advice but simply listened, and the encounter helped Lincoln resolve the issue. Simply to unburden to another—not to be interrupted or given advice—can do wonders for a person, who will fondly remember the listener. The wrong way to listen is to interrupt and to talk incessantly about oneself. The right way is quietly, paying careful attention, and offering questions the other person would love to answer.

The fourth principle of making friends is: “Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves” (88). 

President Teddy Roosevelt was famous for his wide range of knowledge. He could talk intelligently on most subjects. His big secret for getting along well with visitors was studying, the day before, the visitors’ favorite topics.

People respond positively when people bring up subjects dear to their hearts. Edward Chalif wanted to finance the travel of one of his Boy Scouts to a Jamboree in Europe. He met with an American CEO, hoping for a donation. First, though, he mentioned that the executive had famously written a check for a million dollars. Chalif asked to see the canceled check, and an interesting conversation ensued. The CEO then offered to pay for five Scouts and Chalif to visit Europe for seven weeks. The CEO also met them and gave them a tour of Paris. Had Chalif begun the meeting with the money request, he “wouldn’t have found him one-tenth as easy to approach” (91).

A prominent New York bakery owner approached a hotel manager every week for four years, trying to get him to buy products. One day, he learned that the manager was president of the Hotel Greeters of America. He mentioned this on his next visit, and the manager regaled him with enthusiastic stories of the organization. A few days later, unbidden, the manager placed an order with the bakery owner.

The fifth principle of popularity, then, is: “Talk in terms of the other person’s interests” (93). 

People want to feel important. Treating them respectfully is part of that. A rule of thumb for winning the approval of others is the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” (96).

A student of Carnegie’s met his wife’s aunt at her house. He complimented her on its construction and spaciousness. She enthused about how she and her husband had designed and built it themselves. She then showed him an old and valuable luxury car stored in the garage, bought for her by her late husband. She told her visitor she would give the car to him rather than let greedy relatives get their hands on it. This transpired because the student treated an elderly, lonely widow with respect and appreciation.

When Kodak CEO George Eastman was building a school of music, seating supplier James Adamson met with him to discuss a purchase of chairs for the school theatre. Adamson spent his allotted five minutes admiring Eastman’s office with its English oak paneling; they then gazed out the window at Eastman’s charitable efforts, including the University of Rochester and nearby hospitals. Five minutes turned into two hours, and Eastman took Adamson to lunch. Adamson got a very lucrative seating order, and he and Eastman became lifelong friends.

The sixth principle is: “Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely” (105-06).