How to Win Friends and Influence People

When we appreciate someone, we tell them we value them and their contributions to our lives. Most people crave that kind of compliment and will go out of their way to cooperate with people who appreciate them. Carnegie quotes William James “William James said: ‘The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated’” (18). Along with admiration and acknowledgments of a person’s importance, expressions of appreciation generate large amounts of goodwill in the recipient. Those who express heartfelt appreciation to others tend to gain large followings. 

Carnegie suggests his readers avoid arguing at all costs. Even if you win an argument, you lose the goodwill of the person you defeat. Arguing breaks the rules of friendship and influence: It humiliates rather than praises; it criticizes rather than encourages; it interrupts rather than listens. Instead of arguing, find areas of agreement, understand and sympathize with the other’s viewpoint, and suggest ways the other person can benefit by going along with your idea or belief. 

Everyone wants to feel important and that who they are and what they do matters. Along with admiration and appreciation, acknowledgments of a person’s importance is music to their ears: “Dr. [John] Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is ‘the desire to be important’” (17). Complimenting others and acknowledging that they and their work is important is a high road to popularity and influence. 

The secret to being regarded as an interesting person is to be interested in others. Those who take a sincere interest in the wants and needs of others, and who want to know about others’ activities and achievements, don’t need to impress people with their own qualities but find that others already imbue them with the characteristics of an interesting person. Carnegie notes, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you” (52).

Leadership involves drawing out the best from those who follow. Good leaders don’t demand help but ask for it; they also ask for ideas on how best to proceed. They never threaten but instead encourage their people to give their best to a task. Good leaders have a knack for inspiring, not forcing, others to pitch in with enthusiasm. Though focused on results, they are humble, working alongside others instead of above them. Thus respected, a team will go to great lengths to prove themselves to their leader and contribute excellence to projects.

People who listen well often find that others consider them good conversationalists. This is because they encourage people to express themselves, which gives people a sense that they’ve enjoyed a good conversation, and they then attribute much of the enjoyment to the listener, who takes on the attribute of being interesting—even if she merely listened.