Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

Adults may see whining as a lack of gratitude, but for children, it is an expression of their helplessness. They have a strong desire for something but are powerless to fulfill it. Whining also communicates that a child feels alone and unseen in their desire. Whining may also be a simple emotional release. A parent doesn’t have to give in to whining, but recognizing the underlying feeling and increasing connection with the child can help reduce whining over time.

If whining triggers a parent, especially because it was not tolerated when the parent was growing up, channeling one’s inner whiner and remembering that it’s alright to feel powerless sometimes can be helpful. The more a parent embraces whining as normal, the less triggered they will be by it.

Responding to whining with humor and playfulness can also be helpful; however, it is important not to do so mockingly. The former instills connection, which is often the child’s underlying desire; the latter inflicts shame and distance.

Another strategy is to restate the child’s whiny request in a non-whiny voice and move on. Parents should refrain from lecturing and trust that the message has sunk in through modeling. Parents can also investigate what lies underneath the whining and try to connect with the child in the moment. Ways to do this can involve putting one’s devices aside in the moment and giving the child one’s full attention, overtly empathizing with what they are experiencing, or allowing them to release pent-up emotion.

Parents often view lying as an indication of defiance or something wrong with the child. However, like the other behaviors explored in the book, lying stems from a child’s desire and need for attachment. One reason children lie is because the line between fantasy and reality is blurry. Children engage in pretend play because it takes place in a world they control and in which they can explore things they otherwise struggle with.

When a child lies about breaking a lamp by asserting that they were in a different room when it happened, they are coping with the guilt of their action by entering a fantasy of what they wish was the truth. Children also lie if they believe the truth will threaten attachment and as a way to assert their independence and exert control. The strategies Dr. Kennedy suggests are not meant to elicit confessions in the moment but to encourage honesty in the future. The goal is for the child to understand that it is safe to be honest with the adult because the adult will tolerate and accept what the child has to say.

One strategy is renaming the lie as a wish. If a child refuses to admit knocking down a sibling’s tower of blocks, the parent can acknowledge that the child might wish that the tower were still up and that everyone does things they sometimes regret. Another approach is to pause and wait, not saying anything in the moment of the lie. It can be difficult to be honest when feeling ashamed or guilty. A parent can return to the moment when there is an opening later and offer their most generous interpretation of the lie. The child may still not tell the truth, but reflecting on where the lie stems from is important for the parent to do.

Parents can also lay out the scenario of what would happen if the subject of the lie happened to be true. Explaining what to expect and emphasizing the parent still believes in the child’s inner goodness may not elicit a confession right away, but the idea will sink in for next time. In the face of a pattern of lying, parents can acknowledge that they’ve noticed the child is having a tough time telling the truth and ask what would help them be more honest.

Fear is a response to a perceived threat, and it registers as somatic symptoms, such as a pounding heart or a churning stomach. Parents often try to convince a child out of their fear by asserting there is nothing to be worried about; however, this rarely works, as when the body is in a state of fear, the brain’s reasoning capacity shuts down. Furthermore, when trying to rationalize a child out of fear, parents miss out on gaining important information, such as what is causing the fear. Another reason to avoid talking a child out of their fear is because one wants the child to trust how they feel in different situations as adults. The same principles apply when addressing anxiety, which is a more generalized fear. The goal is to teach children to be curious about, acknowledge, and manage their lives, even in the presence of fear and anxiety.

One way to approach fear and anxiety in a child is to empathize by visualizing how they feel and acknowledging this aloud to the child. This helps them feel less alone. Dry runs ahead of a fear-inducing event can also help. Avoidance increases anxiety, so instead of avoiding talking about the situation, running through the situation with the child and helping them rehearse and prepare can in fact reduce anxiety around it.

Dr. Kennedy offers a standard script to address different kinds of fears. The steps involve first talking about the fear with the child to gather information and understand why it exists. Then, one validates the feeling and expresses that it is understandable why the child may feel this way, in addition to communicating the importance of talking about it. The parent can offer to problem-solve with the child with leading questions but should allow the child to arrive at ideas by themselves. One can even create a mantra, such as “I can feel scared and brave at the same time” (209). Sharing one’s own story of coping with fear that demonstrates a slow process rather than a quick fix can also be helpful.

A child’s hesitation and shyness can cause a parent anxiety, especially if the parent values independence and extroversion and worries that their child will always struggle with these concepts. However, hesitation and shyness are not problems to be fixed. Rather, children can internalize a parent’s anxiety as judgment, leading them to remain further stuck in a cycle of anxiety themselves. The usual understanding of confidence is the ability to jump into a situation without hesitation; however, Dr. Kennedy suggests that it is being sure of oneself at any moment and being comfortable with doing something only when one is ready.

If a child’s hesitation and anxiety surrounding social situations are triggering for a parent, the parent ought to notice how this makes them feel. If the parent feels uncomfortable, it is important to remember that the unwillingness to join a crowd immediately will be a valuable trait later in their child’s life. It is also important to validate a child’s feelings of hesitation, even if the parent doesn’t understand these feelings. Parents, therefore, should communicate that they believe the child will know when they are ready to join in.

It can also help to share a parent’s own story of hesitation or practice “emotional vaccination.” In line with this, preparing the child for an upcoming situation with respect to both logistics, as well as what emotions to expect, can be helpful. Furthermore, it is important to avoid labeling a child as “shy” when they initially refuse to engage with someone else. In response to such a label, the parent can assert that the child is figuring out what they are comfortable with and will engage when they are ready.

The paradoxical thing about learning is that the more one embraces mistakes and difficulties, the more one can grow and progress. Being able to tolerate frustration allows a child to stick with difficult tasks and try again. However, for a child to be able to tolerate frustration, the parent must also be able to tolerate their own frustration.

The more willing a parent is to let a child struggle and work something out without offering an immediate solution, the more the child will internalize the ability to do so themselves. It is easier to do this if one approaches the world through a “growth mindset,” a concept put forth by psychologist Carol Dweck. This is the belief that abilities are not innate; anyone can improve at anything with persistence, and mistakes and struggles are steps along the way. The focus is less on immediate success and more on growth and development. Thus, a way to build tolerance for frustration is to build tolerance for learning, which involves being comfortable with not knowing something but still working on it.

Strategies that can help with tolerating frustration are to take deep breaths to regulate or to offer a simple mantra to focus on, such as “I can do hard things” (223). Another approach is to reframe frustration as a sign that the brain is struggling with something in the process of learning rather than failing. Having growth mindset family values explicitly listed and displayed prominently, and referred back to in times of struggle, is another strategy the author recommends. One of Dr. Kennedy’s listed values is “In our family, we love to be challenged” (224).

Parents should approach learning in terms of teaching children to cope with hard feelings rather than finding success immediately. This helps children get comfortable with the struggle that leads up to eventual success. “Emotional vaccination,” dry runs, and sharing stories of similar struggles can also be helpful strategies.

Food and eating issues often bring up anxiety and insecurity for parents because, for many, a child’s eating habits are a deeper representation of the parent’s ability to sustain the child. Thus, when a child rejects food, parents take it personally. Food and eating also bring up issues of body sovereignty and autonomy and can be a child’s way of asserting independence and control. These two issues often intersect: Food rejection makes a parent feel inadequate; in response, the parent pushes the child to eat and dictates their food habits, which makes a child feel less in control and elicits more rejection.

Dr. Kennedy suggests approaching food through the work of Ellyn Satter, a dietitian and physiotherapist who proposed a division of responsibility between parent and child: The parent decides what, when, and where food is served, and the child decides whether and how much of the food they eat. This approach helps establish healthy eating patterns while still allowing the child to experience control and self-regulation. The goal is to minimize anxiety around food rather than focusing on consumption, except in the cases of medical conditions that require a different approach.

Strategies to tackle eating issues include starting with a mantra for the parent to remind themselves of their role and that their child’s eating is not a reflection of their parenting. Explaining the division of responsibility to the child can also be helpful—sharing this approach holds both parent and child accountable to their different roles but also clarifies what a child can and cannot control.

With respect to dessert-specific strategies, Dr. Kennedy suggests delinking dessert from the idea of reward. Thus, one can serve dessert as an afternoon snack, or perhaps a small portion can be served alongside dinner, so dessert does not become elevated to a coveted or highly desired food over others. Snacks can be approached in a variety of ways, from no snacks to complete free access and anything in between. Dr. Kennedy suggests the important thing is to evaluate the situation within the family and, if a change is needed, to remind oneself of the parent’s responsibility: to decide what, when, and where.

Finally, when dealing with food and eating issues, the author reminds parents to tolerate pushback and remember that the child does not need to agree with the parent’s decision and is allowed to be upset, just as the parent’s job is to make good decisions for their child.