Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

Dr. Kennedy suggests that behavior is usually a clue to something larger that is going on under the surface. The way to work on behavior is through curiosity about what is underlying it to better understand the source. Traditional parenting models focus on correcting behavior through reward and punishment. While some behaviors do need to be changed, a long-term way of doing so is through understanding the root cause. Doing so allows a child to understand, and thus regulate, their emotions, in turn building resilience.

For instance, a child snatching a toy from a younger sibling can stem from a need for reassurance that they are still important to the parents. Addressing this through connection over punishment will solve the root issue, impacting behavior as well, over time. Behavior modification using reward and punishment, on the other hand, may work more immediately, but the relief is temporary. Often, these methods leave the child feeling disconnected and alone, as the child believes they are bad and need controlling. A people-pleasing child may comply with the parents easily, but it leaves them feeling wired to never say no or prioritize themselves. For a child without these tendencies, on the other hand, these interventions may further intensify challenging behaviors.

Reward and punishment techniques also prioritize control over connection. As a child gets older, these methods may stop working, and a child may look to wrest back control by acting out. At this point, there is no relationship left to connect a parent and child and nothing motivating the child to listen to or respect their parent. Thus, it is important to build up “connection capital,” which is the “reserve of positive feelings” built up over time that a parent can draw on in times of struggle (80).

Dr. Kennedy acknowledges that behavior-first methods are often more appealing because they are evidence based and data driven; they show reliable proof of a certain behavior disappearing over time. They are also easier, with more straightforward steps of what to do. However, these methods measure and reflect what is observable and not necessarily what matters. Reward and punishment may, for instance, cause a child to stop hitting their sibling, but their underlying feelings of insecurity remain unaddressed.

Difficult as it may be to address the root issue, Dr. Kennedy argues that it is more worthwhile in the long run. Some ways to do it are to pause and reflect on the child’s behavior, thinking about what they may be having a hard time with and identifying common themes across their behaviors. Following this reflection, the next step is to spend relationship-building attention on the child. There is an understandable concern that attention may reward negative behavior; however, the way to frame “attention” in this context is to avoid reducing connection after the event while simultaneously building connection outside of the behavior. Change will not be immediate, as behavior issues are often a cry for help and attention. The child needs repeated and proactive attention, and when this need is addressed, the behavior will disappear over time.

A common experience is that a child shuts down in a scenario where they feel guilty or humiliated or when they are acting in a dysregulated way to deal with the feeling of shame. Shame is the feeling that a part of oneself is not lovable. It causes one to move away from that part and activates a child’s fears that one is bad and not lovable.

Shame is an evolutionarily adaptive feeling, as loneliness signals danger, and in the context of attachment, it causes one to shut down the shameful part of oneself so that one can attach to survive. Shame can cause one to freeze in place as a protective mechanism, and this may look like a child being unwilling to apologize or respond. Misinterpretation of this reaction is what often locks parents into power struggles with their children.

A number of difficult moments with children feature shame as a common factor, so parents should be able to recognize and then reduce shame. One way is to model an apology on behalf of the child who is refusing to and talk about the difficulty with apologizing later, in a non-judgmental way. One can even role-play the struggle. More important than correcting behavior immediately is to help the child still feel “good inside.” It offers the highest likelihood of a child reflecting on their wrongdoing and producing a voluntary apology in a different situation.

Left undetected, shame can fester, grow, and manifest in maladaptive patterns later in life. Being forced to suppress and reject the shameful parts of oneself can result in a range of different problematic responses, such as the inability to be vulnerable in relationships or turning to addictive substances to deal with distress. The underlying idea in parenting is to prioritize connection over all else. It works as an antidote to shame—the latter signals danger and aloneness, while the former signals presence, acceptance, and goodness. Shame does not motivate positive behaviors, just as connection does not reinforce negative ones.

A simple but important parenting principle is for parents to be honest with their children about difficult or heavy topics. This requires parents to be able to sit with their own feelings, including the unpleasant ones. Parents often worry that the truth will be too overwhelming for children; however, what scares children is not information, but being alone and confused in the absence of it. Children are wired to notice changes in their environments, which they register as threats. In an adult’s presence, even if their worst fear is confirmed, they immediately feel safer.

The absence of information or the presence of an adult leads to an “unformulated experience,” i.e., the feeling that something is not right without a clear explanation. Such situations can cause children to resort to self-blame or self-doubt. Being honest with a child does not mean scaring or overwhelming them but empowering them; it involves having a parent willing to approach rather than avoid the truth.

Being honest with a child involves first confirming their perceptions. Children are still learning to figure out what is or isn’t safe, and confirming their perceptions that something is out of the ordinary helps them form a narrative around the incident. Parents can do this even for things children appear not to have noticed despite being present, such as an argument between parents, as otherwise they may grow up to doubt their perceptions around what feels right.

The second step is to honor a child’s questions. A child asking a question indicates their willingness and readiness to learn about something and receive answers with “real words and real truths” (101). Sometimes, parents don’t have the answers, and that’s alright—labeling what one doesn’t know can also be helpful. More than concrete answers, what a child needs is support in the present moment.

Finally, parents should consider the pace, tone, and delivery of answers and pause to check in with the child to acknowledge and validate the questions and feelings they may have. However, a parent’s presence and attention are the most important. It is alright to be emotional or cry, as long as one labels these feelings as one’s own and reiterates that they are still there for their child.

A common misconception is that being a parent means sacrificing one’s self and identity. However, this is an unrealistic expectation, as one can become depleted and resentful, and it is unproductive to model for children that parents don’t take care of themselves.

A parent can feel selfish and guilty for prioritizing self-care, especially when children protest at a parent taking time to themselves. However, it is important to set boundaries around self-care, as children can feel lost if they are led by someone who has no sense of self and is overwhelmed by everyone else’s needs.

There are several simple strategies that can help self-care be not just another item on a to-do list. Deep breathing is one, as it stimulates the vagus nerve, which activates the “rest and restore” system in the brain (the opposite of “fight or flight”), helping the body feel safe and calm.

Acknowledging, validating, and permitting uncomfortable feelings to exist is another strategy, along with accepting that sometimes having one’s needs met can inconvenience someone else. It is not a parent’s job to make everyone else happy or to have others celebrate their attempts to assert themselves—cooperation is more important than approval.

Doing one small thing for oneself every day can be an easy self-care strategy. It can be something as small as drinking coffee while it is still hot or perhaps talking to a friend or journaling every day. This involves being able to say no when someone else demands something at the same time, and Dr. Kennedy offers scripts for these situations, such as “I appreciate your asking me. No, I’m not free” (113).

Finally, it is important to practice repair with oneself and be generous and compassionate when one makes mistakes. Parents should remind themselves that it is alright to struggle, that they are “good inside,” and that they are not defined by their latest behaviors.