Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

Emotional dysregulation is a state in which an emotional response does not fall within a normally expected range of reaction, owing to the emotion being poorly regulated (“Emotional Dysregulation: What It Is and How You Can Cope.” WebMD). Emotional dysregulation in adults can be displayed in a number of ways, from mental health issues like anxiety and depression to behavioral signs like self-harm and excessive substance use. In young children, however, dysregulation in the face of negative emotions is developmentally normal, as the part of the brain responsible for this process is still developing.

To successfully self-regulate, young children need their parents to coregulate with them. Self-regulation cannot be taught; it is something that the child grows into over time with enough experience with coregulation. Coregulation involves the parent of a dysregulated child staying calm through the child’s distress and helping calm them down through regulatory exercises like deep breathing or even just validating their experience and being with them. Over time, as a child repeatedly experiences an adult presence safely guiding them from distress to calm, their neural pathways wire for this experience, which they are eventually able to carry out on their own (Young, Karen. “To Co-Regulate or Co-Dysregulate. What to Do When Their Feelings or Behaviour Get Big.” Hey Sigmund, 28 Sept. 2021).

Growth mindset is concept put forth by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (2006). A growth mindset is the perspective displayed by individuals who believe that their skills can be developed over time with enough practice, persistence, and the right input from experts. The opposite of a growth mindset is a fixed mindset, which encapsulates the beliefs that talents or skills are innate; one is either born with them or not. Individuals with a growth mindset tend to achieve more over time because they value the process and learning along the way more than an immediate result and are less likely to be discouraged by mistakes or failure.

The internal family systems model forms another theoretical foundation of Dr. Kennedy’s approach. The model was developed by psychologist Richard Schwartz and posits the idea that there are multiple “sub-personalities or families within each person’s mental system” (“Internal Family Systems Therapy.” Psychology Today). When these sub-parts conflict with each other, negative emotions and experiences such as anger, shame, and eventually unresolved trauma develop and fester. Dr. Kennedy’s approach of “good inside” considers these sub-parts and encourages parents to reiterate a child’s inner goodness in all situations to counter this kind of conflict. When a child can see different parts of themselves and accept all of their existence because of a strong belief in their own inner goodness, they experience less psychological conflict and discord.