Funny You Should Ask

An excerpt follows of Chani’s infamous article, “Gabe, Parker, Shaken, Not Stirred—Part One.” She gives a polished, funny account of meeting Gabe at his house and being asked to hold his puppy while he cleans up the puppy’s pee. She confesses that Gabe Parker is “real. And he’s spectacular” (10). She describes him as being 6’4”, from a small town in Montana, and close to his sister, Lauren. He bought his mom a bookshop called the Cozy. They have lunch at a restaurant where Gabe is a regular and chats with the server, Madison.

Chani asks him how he feels about being cast as the next James Bond when audiences think his friend Oliver Matthias should have gotten the role and that Gabe can only play “hunky, dim-witted himbos” (13). Gabe says he’s very lucky. Chani asks about rumors that he’s romantically involved with his co-star, Jacinda Lockwood, and Gabe insists that he and Jacinda are just friends. After lunch, they look at a mansion that Gabe decides not to buy, and he invites Chani to a movie premiere the next night. Chani writes that she finds Gabe attractive, likable, and completely charming.

Chani is nervous about the interview as she approaches Gabe Parker’s rented house. She has an intense crush on him and until that morning, had a shirtless photo of him on the lock screen of her phone. Her ex, Jeremy, felt threatened by her crush on Gabe. Chani knows Gabe will try to charm her and that she is expected to write a flattering profile that will tamp down the controversy around his being cast in the next James Bond movie. Chani wants to be a working writer but has only managed to get one short story published and feels like a failure compared to other people in her MFA program. Jeremy called her work at Broad Sheets “puff pieces,” but Chani’s goal is to make a living from her writing. To soothe her nerves, she reminds herself that Gabe is just a person. Then he opens the door, and Chani realizes “He. [Is]. Glorious” (19).

She reminds herself that it’s a cliché that female reporters sleep with the celebrities they interview, and she resolves to keep her tingly feelings at bay. Gabe asks her to hold his puppy and invites her in. He takes off his shirt to clean puppy pee off the floor. He asks her how to pronounce her name and says it correctly. The puppy likes Chani.

Gabe shows her the view from his bedroom, and Chani is surprised to see they have some of the same taste in books. She also sees a DVD of The Philadelphia Story and Chani quotes the main character of the movie, Tracy Lord—the line that she doesn’t want to be worshipped; she wants to be loved. Chani and Gabe discuss the movie, and she admits she doesn’t like the storyline where Katherine Hepburn’s character is scolded for criticizing her father’s affair. Chani thinks the movie could use an update.

An article at a movie site sums up public resistance to Gabe being cast as James Bond: he’s American, he’s not Oliver Matthias, he’s a “hick,” and he’s already sleeping with his co-star Jacinda Lockwood, a British-born model who seems willing to do whatever it takes to get her acting career off the ground. The reporter says Gabe is too “soft,” an anti-gay perception based on Gabe’s role as a gay man in the play Angels in America.

Chani drives Gabe and the puppy to the restaurant for lunch. They discuss her childhood in Los Angeles. He says his own home state of Montana is stunning and he’ll take her there sometime. Chani defends Los Angeles, insisting they have a thriving culture. At the restaurant, Gabe chats with their server, Madison. Chani orders a burger and a beer. She reminds herself that being charming is part of Gabe’s job, as is flirting with her. She takes out her tape recorder and Gabe freezes for a second. Then, he gives her “a shallow, empty kind of smile” (37) and she wonders if he’d forgotten she was there to interview him. Her questions are stilted until she asks the puppy’s name and he says he hasn’t decided yet. Chani says the dog looks like her childhood teddy bear, which she named Teddy. Gabe drinks three beers and doesn’t give her answers different from those he’s given any other interviewer, even when she asks about his part in Angels in America.

Gabe surprises Chani by saying he’s done his research on her. Her parents are teachers, she has younger siblings, and she’s Jewish. He knows where she went to school and where she met her boyfriend, Jeremy: “Ex-boyfriend,” Chani corrects him automatically. He asks, “It’s weird, isn’t it?” […] When someone thinks they know you” (41). Flustered, Chani asks about his dad, even though she knows she’s not supposed to. Gabe’s father died when he was 10 and he never talks about him in interviews. When he walks away, Chani thinks the interview is over, that Jeremy was right, she is a bad writer, and she’ll never pay off her student loans. Then, she finds the puppy licking her ankle and Gabe across from her, drinking another beer.

An excerpt from Chani’s blog describes breaking up with the Novelist, who is moving to New York. The heartbreak has made her unable to write. Then she plugs a profile she wrote for Broad Sheets on an up-and-coming actor.

producers wanted Oliver Matthias. Chani feels guilty for taking advantage of him. Gabe knows the gossip is that Oliver would be a better Bond and he, Gabe, is viewed as a “hick.” Gabe emphasizes that he and Oliver are friends, and that he feels like he doesn’t deserve this role the way Oliver does.

A reviewer describes Tommy Jacks, a World War II movie starring Oliver Matthias and Gabe Parker as his younger brother who is killed early in the action. The review praises Oliver and describes Gabe’s character, Billy, as being “dumb” but “pretty.”

Lunch is almost over, and Chani is worried that her article won’t be special. It feels more like Gabe is interrogating her. He asks about her breakup and says Jeremy seemed like a jerk. She probes about Jacinda, and he insists they are just friends. He mentions his list of things he wanted to do when he became successful, but every interviewer has asked him about that list. Chani asks him how he decided he was successful. What makes him feel like a success? For herself, success is “being able to work whenever and as often as I want. Being able to support myself comfortably just through my writing” (61). Gabe says no one has asked him that question.

Chani’s blog discusses her fear that she’s not a good writer but instead, a boring one.

A realtor shows Gabe an eight-bedroom mansion in Hollywood. Chani is not impressed. She doesn’t mention that she’s bought books online from his mom’s bookstore. She drives Gabe back to his rented house in Laurel Canyon, thinking she’s blown the interview and the article will be simply functional. She’ll find a way to suggest he’s a perfect fit for Bond, but it won’t be great writing. Gabe invites her in for tea.

An excerpt from a fictional Vanity Fair article covers things others have covered about Gabe Parker: Montana, his sister, his niece, his list of things he wanted to do when he became successful. He mentions he is taking his family to Italy and plugs the bookstore.

As Gabe makes tea, he asks Chani why she doesn’t like New York. She mentions the things she does like, for instance, musicals; Gabe hums a song from Into the Woods. Gabe says he has a recipe for chai and asks for Chani’s phone so he can program in his number. He mentions Oliver’s premiere the next night and invites Chani to attend. He asks what Chani thinks about his role in Angels in America, which required him to kiss a man onstage. Chani thinks it’s a great play, and that people who can’t handle men kissing have bigger problems than who should play Bond.

A paragraph from a fashion magazine mentions that Gabe Parker’s unknown date for the Shared Hearts premiere wore a blue dress that matched his suit.

Chani finds it surreal to walk into the same restaurant where she first met Gabe. She half expects to see the same server, Madison. She tells herself it’s just another interview but then admits, “I’ve gotten good at lying to myself when it comes to Gabe” (80). Chani’s agent and editor are hoping this article might be the centerpiece of a third book, but she’s uncomfortable with how much of her career has depended on people speculating if she slept with Gabe Parker.

She wonders what Gabe will think of her, though she hasn’t changed much. She looked him up and saw pictures of him filming The Philadelphia Story, and he looks good. She thinks “those three days ten years ago have been suspended in time […] Perfectly frozen like a mosquito in amber” (82). Gabe has a beard now, but he still knows how to pronounce her name.

Reviews of Chani’s first book of essays are mostly praise, but all in some way reference the Gabe Parker profile as the centerpiece. While the reviews from top venues are polite, a Goodreads reviewer rants that the book is all about her, and a Reddit user calls Chani a “slut.”

Gabe looks tired, and Chani thinks, “It blunts his beauty a bit, makes him seem more real, more touchable” (85). She’s attracted to his older, more worn look, but warns herself he’s an actor and it’s his job to make people fall in love with him. She’s been trying for years to evade his magnetic pull and now she’s stepping right back into the force field.

He looks for Chani’s wedding band, but she stopped wearing it after that party in Brooklyn, when she knew her marriage was essentially over. She remembers Gabe lied to her about Jacinda and how angry and humiliated she felt when she heard they got married in Vegas. She decides her anger is protective and she will cultivate it. She gets out her phone to record, ready to begin.

A celebrity gossip site confirms that Gabe Parker and Jacinda Lockwood surprised fans by flying to Las Vegas to be married. Jacinda is described as a “heartbreaker and a home-wrecker” (89). The author reaches out to Chani for comment and she says is surprised but wishes them all the best.

Chani orders a burger and a beer, after making sure Gabe doesn’t mind if she drinks. She is prepared for the interview, feeling like she has something to prove to him and to herself. She notes that he seems less guarded than years ago. He says he’s been sober for two years and she wonders if he remembers calling her before he went to rehab. He says his sobriety is the accomplishment he's proudest of. He asks what she’s proudest of, and she thinks of the article she wrote about him. Nothing else has felt quite as special, but that means her career is linked to Gabe. Gabe goes on to say that drinking gave him distance from the things he didn’t want to confront. She notices he’s able to sit still.

She asks about his marriage, and he says he doesn’t regret it and Jacinda is still a good friend. He asks about Chani’s marriage. He quotes a review from Jeremy’s book and Chani remembers the day Jeremy heard about the review and asked Chani to marry him, saying she was his muse. It had been about a year after Gabe’s marriage that Chani went to New York for work, met up with Jeremy, and they got back together. Gabe reminds her that she told him The Philadelphia Story needed an update, but Chani is determined to be professional: “That girl,” she thinks, “that brave, brash, bold, stupid girl—has to protect herself” (97). She thinks this article won’t be nearly as good as the one she wrote 10 years ago, but they’re not the same people they were 10 years ago. He asks to show her something.

An excerpt from a gossip magazine talks about how Gabe has put on pounds and his alcohol addiction is straining his marriage. There were rumors of trouble on the set of his second Bond movie, and another actor claimed Gabe got him fired. On filming the third movie, the video of a fight with his director that led Gabe to walk off set went viral. His management gave a packaged statement, and the next day, Gabe checked into rehab.

As she follows him to his house in Laurel Canyon, Chani thinks again how she can never tell if her success is due to her skill or due to Gabe. Gabe tells her he bought the house. Inside the house, there is no sign of a dog, and Chani wants to cry at the thought that Gabe’s dog is dead. He offers her a glass of water and says he’s sorry, and she wonders for what. She thinks her “stupid, traitorous heart” hasn’t learned a lesson in 10 years (103). She remembers how foolish she felt when she found him with Jacinda all those years ago, and she’s determined not to make that mistake again. Chani aches with the sense of “lost time and missed chances” (107).

Gabe admits he should have told her about Jacinda. They had a friends-with-benefits arrangement, and they thought marriage would solve both their problems, since Jacinda was being accused of affairs she wasn’t having. Gabe says he wants to take Chani to Montana. She says she can’t go, but they both know she is lying.

A reporter interviewing Gabe and Oliver together writes how their friendship is the real thing. Gabe says they wanted to update The Philadelphia Story to be less sexist.