Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved

This chapter deals with Bowler’s preparation for cancer surgery and her resulting encounters with individuals on the medical team. She also describes her interactions with her friends and family during the preparation and post-op. Bowler says that she tries to maintain a circumspect attitude. She finds herself saying things that are alternately poignant, hilarious, and full of grief. She picks up on the fact that the doctors are gingerly telling her that she has Stage IV colon cancer, hinting at the well-advanced stage of the disease. She finds herself expressing benedictions to the people she cares about. She tells her best friend Chelsea that she just needs to go and live her life.

Bowler reflects at length on how doctors kept sending her home for months without doing the test necessary to discover that she had a life-threatening illness. She reflects on her background with Mennonite families, even though she is not a Mennonite. Her husband is a Mennonite and she admires Mennonite culture. She observes: “The part I miss right now is how wonderful they are at suffering together” (62). Bowler expresses concern that, if she dies in North Carolina, it will be far from her old Mennonite friends and the area in Canada where she grew up.

She recognizes that the seriousness of her medical condition makes every other concern seem inconsequential. No one acts as if they are as aware of the seriousness of her illness as she is. She notes that others have begun to pick up the pieces of her life. Accordingly, she consecrates certain individuals to take care of different aspects of her life going forward.

The narrative shifts to the time when she is at home recovering two weeks after her surgery, moving delicately around her home. Her parents are there with her. The first thing they do is go through her books to see what to keep and what to give away. She knows Toban will not want all the books after she is gone. She sits outside with her father-in-law, who tries to strike up a casual conversation with her, managing to say a number of things that are not helpful to the point of being inappropriate. She realizes that she is overreacting to the foolishness of what he says.

Bowler begins to write letters to Zach. Her son fusses because she cannot hold him. She watches Toban look longingly at Zach’s crib and understands what’s going on with him.

Bowler tells of previously attending a prosperity megachurch where she discovered she was not at a regular service but rather at a funeral for a famous minister who had died in middle age. Because he was not an older man, the congregation struggled to understand what had gone wrong. She relates that, in the course of her research, she has heard lots of stories of denial in the face of death, even stories of ministers stopping memorial services to try to resurrect people who have died. Others refuse medical treatment because they believe God will heal them. She recognizes this as denial of important aspects of the grieving process. She notes that people have begun to move through the stages of grieving for her, even though she is still alive. She speaks with gratitude for her family, including her parents and her sisters Amy and Maria. The things they do both give her hope and help her face the seriousness of her illness.

She says, “Now I am not hoping for completeness of any kind. All I can think of are the logistics. One night I wake up almost every hour because my mind has seized on a horrible question: Wouldn’t it be a paperwork nightmare to move my body? To take me home” (74).

Bowler describes the value of human touch and points out that prosperity ministers have always known the significance of it. Repeatedly throughout the narrative she talks about the value of hugs and embraces. She begins to acquire things for herself, practical items that make her life a little easier. Her keepsakes take on a special poignancy for her.

She finds herself troubled by insomnia following her surgery because doctors continually woke her up in the middle of the night when they had something to say to her. Bowler notes that it is the most inexperienced doctor who must relate the worst possible news. The serious attitudes of her physicians make her accept the fact that she likely will not make it through the year. One physician’s assistant tells her, “[T]he sooner you get used to the idea of dying the better” (79).

Bowler describes her first opportunity to see Zach while she was still in the hospital. He is only present for two minutes and begins screaming because she cannot hold him. Her friends ask her what will happen to Toban and Zach in the future. She imagines that, once she’s not there, Zach likely will take Toban and return to Canada to live near the Mennonite settlement where he grew up.

Bowler reflects on the term “surrender,” a word that mainline Christians such as Presbyterians use. However, to those invested in the prosperity gospel, surrender equates to failure or defeat, since they believe there is no problem so difficult that, with the help of God, you can’t deal with it. She wonders if adhering to the prosperity gospel makes people happier. Bowler says she can spot those who are prosperity gospel believers among the hospital staff because they have little slogans taped to their desk to encourage themselves. Some of her prosperity gospel friends encourage her to have the attitude that she will conquer the illness. She feels helpless in the face of what others see as the need to demand God’s help for healing.

Bowler begins chemotherapy treatments near the end of the chapter and talks about the feeling of needles and the pain they bring. She struggles to get up early each morning—not so she can seize the day but “so I won’t miss a moment with my son” (86). She points out that surrender is not weakness, quoting Saint Teresa of Avila who describes how important it is to surrender to the will of God. Bowler admires prosperity believers because they are able to keep a cheerful outlook and fully believe that they are going to overcome all of the problems that they face because it is God’s intention.

Bowler describes her preparations before Advent, believing she has at most a 50 percent chance of living for two years. Her doctors refer to the treatment she is receiving as palliative, though she finds the chemotherapy quite intense. She submits to blood work to determine her qualification for experimental cancer treatments conducted not at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, where she lives and works, but at Emory University in Atlanta.

Bowler describes her love of Advent, which precedes Christmas, and how her family is completely invested in the Christmas season. Her father formerly made trivia games involving little aspects of the holiday season. This will be the first time that Bowler has ever experienced Christmas away from the Mennonite community in Canada where she grew up. She misses these friends and wishes she could be there.

Bowler remembers seeing an old Sunday school teacher on her last Christmas visit to Canada who had just received a diagnosis of cancer herself. Her teacher commented that, having been with Jesus in joy, she would now understand him better because of her suffering. Bowler wishes she had that kind of outlook. She reflects on how prosperity theology doesn’t allow for that kind of perception, but insists on continuing to press for more and more blessings, assuming the universe will grant them.

Two days after she sends her blood sample to Emory, Bowler receives a voicemail. She does not listen to it for a week. When she does listen, the message relays that she has the “magic cancer” that might respond positively to the new colon cancer treatments under development. This thrills Bowler and Toban and fills them with hope for the first time since her diagnosis. To participate in the trials, Bowler must prove she will be able to afford it. She learns that, before she can charge her insurance and get different insurance to cover her treatments, she will have to come up with $100,000 herself to participate in the study. Hearing this, her parents promise her that they will pay for it. Bowler writes:

I only find out later that my family have all appraised their homes and saving plans—every last one of them—to see what they can cobble together to save my life. My best shot at survival will bankrupt my family. […] Cancer wants to take it all (92-93).

Bowler calls two of her Duke professional colleagues who have ties to officials at Emory. They immediately begin to try to find a way around the financial impasse. They tell her, in retrospect, they are glad that there was something that they could do to help. Her colleagues assure her that she will be able to participate in the study with the cost covered. Having passed this hurdle, she still must endure more tests to determine if she qualifies. Bowler and her father trek to Atlanta, where she gives blood once more. While at Emory, she twice bumps into former President Jimmy Carter, who is also receiving cancer treatment. Several days later, Bowler receives word of her acceptance into the experimental treatment protocol.