65 pages • 2 hours read
Kennedy RyanBefore I Let Go
Fiction | Novel | Adult | Published in 2022A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Themes
Grief and Loss
Content Warning: This section of the guide discusses the novel’s treatment of child loss, stillbirth, pregnancy complications, depression, and suicidal ideation.
Much of Before I Let Go focuses on grief as both cause and consequence of divorce; grappling with it is key to Yasmen and Josiah’s future happiness and reconciliation. Their loss of both Byrd and Henry were key factors in Yasmen’s depression and Josiah’s emotional withdrawal. Honest reckoning with this emotional landscape is key to each of them understanding their responsibility for their divorce and what they truly need for their lingering emotional attachment to become a secure foundation for the future.
Ryan uses foreshadowing and description to introduce Yasmen’s and Josiah’s struggle with deep pain they cannot fully face. These struggles illustrate both the depths of their estrangement and their desire to recover. Yasmen looks at the floor of her restaurant, thinking, “[E]ven though the floor has long since been scrubbed clean, I still see my sorrow embedded in the woodgrain” (244). Later, from Josiah’s session with his therapist, the reader learns that Yasmen fell at the restaurant and her water broke prematurely, contributing to her son Henry’s stillbirth. Yasmen’s memories of that time still permeate her everyday life, a landscape of painful memories. Later, Josiah holds his neighbors’ baby and feels Yasmen’s gaze on him. He acknowledges “a tension that requires no explanation. I know it’s because of the little girl in my arms” (851). Subsequently, Yasmen and Josiah do not openly acknowledge this moment of shared grief and argue about how to handle Deja’s skipping class. Ryan thus establishes that unacknowledged loss is a barrier to authentic communication.
Later, Yasmen alludes openly to her struggles with depression and grief at her family’s Thanksgiving meal. Josiah’s emotions about this demonstrate that he’s still invested in Yasmen despite his relationship with Vashti. Later, on their trip to Charlotte, Josiah acknowledges that therapy has helped him recognize that he “used work so [he] didn’t have to deal with all the loss” (3499). He now sees that he and Yasmen chose different coping mechanisms and that his was not a superior healing process. Yasmen and Josiah subsequently cry together for their son and then spend a passionate night together. This communication is key to their renewed sexual relationship and illustrates that shared grief is unifying. Toward the end of the novel, Josiah names Henry and his legacy while kissing Yasmen’s C-section scar as he acknowledges their lost son. Yasmen admits that she needed better tools to cope with her emotions and promises Josiah that she will not abandon him during any future setbacks. He comes to believe her after exploring his feelings in therapy. Fully acknowledged grief is thus key to their reconciliation and the novel’s happy ending. Though romance stories are often seen as happy or joyful, Yasmen and Josiah’s joy is earned through a full recognition that pain and loss are also part of their humanity.
Co-Parenting and Rebuilding Trust
Though Yasmen and Josiah begin the novel as a divorced couple, their belief in equal and devoted co-parenting demonstrates their remaining bond. At the same time, Yasmen’s struggles with Deja, and the conflicts this creates within Josiah, illustrate that their reconciliation hinges on healing the broader rifts within their family system.
Early in the novel, Yasmen is painfully aware of Deja’s distance from her and admits “the trouble started with the divorce” (180). Later, when Josiah suggests he is better positioned to discuss consequences when Deja skips class, Yasmen tells Josiah, “No wonder she thinks I overreact. So do you” (892). When Deja claims she has no desire to look like Yasmen, Josiah recognizes the cruelty of the comment but dismisses it as a passing remark. Josiah eventually admits to himself, “[I]t pissed me off to hear her dismiss what Yas went through, not only dismissively, but with blame” (1060). Kassim’s struggles with grief finally push Josiah to attend therapy and force Yasmen to address her lingering guilt from the aftermath of losing both Henry and Aunt Byrd. Josiah’s first hints that Deja’s estrangement from Yasmen has hidden roots come after he tells her he has discussed his own therapy with Kassim. He understands that the process has made him more aware of the nuances of his children’s feelings.
As they grow closer, Yasmen and Josiah find the courage to be more honest with each of their children and realize that their reconciliation has repercussions far beyond the two of them. At Deja’s birthday, Josiah reminds her to be generous and kind to Yasmen because it is part of how families show care for one another. Soon after, he and Yasmen rekindle their sexual relationship and commit to keeping it secret from their children until they can offer more certainty about the future. Unlike their earlier disagreements, this one is unanimous and straightforward.
One of the novel’s key moments is Deja’s discovery of their relationship, and her anger at Yasmen because she bears all the responsibility for the divorce. Yasmen accepts Deja’s anger, explaining the power her depression held over her at the time. Yasmen tells Deja, “I can’t promise I won’t mess up, but I can promise I will love you even when you do” and suggests, “[W]e can decide we’ve already lost too much to waste another day” (4761-4766). Yasmen accepts her own fallibility for her daughter’s sake and builds a new bond with her. Only after she and Deja cautiously rebuild their bond by watching television and talking about Deja’s high school plans does Yasmen fully realize she wants to tell Josiah the truth about her love for him. Yasmen’s identity as a mother helps her clarify her own desires, just as fatherhood helps Josiah accept and come to terms with his emotions.
The Role of Therapy in Healing
Ryan uses therapy not only to illustrate the level of estrangement between Yasmen and Josiah but also to demonstrate its value in bringing them back together as healthier and more self-aware individuals. In so doing, Ryan advances arguments about healthy masculinity, parenting, and the role of emotions in family life.
Early in the novel, Yasmen relies on tools from therapy to calm her anxiety and ground herself in the present. When memories of losing Henry threaten to overwhelm her, she uses mindfulness techniques to avert the worst of a panic attack. Throughout the novel, when Yasmen discusses Josiah’s belief that therapy is unhelpful or not necessary, Hendrix points out that mental health care is highly stigmatized and pursuing it can feel daunting, not only among men in general but for Black men in particular (1525). Ryan thus establishes that Josiah’s reluctance to pursue therapy is not merely an individual failing but part of a broader social attitude. In his first therapy session, Josiah falls back on crude humor rather than admit how much he cared for Yasmen, telling Dr. Musa, “I wanted to fuck her every day for the rest of my life” (1726). Josiah falls back on patriarchal attitudes of women as sex objects to avoid facing the depth of his feelings. Yasmen’s struggle is different because she believes her depression has made her a failure as a mother. Her therapist pushes her to understand she deserves forgiveness and can still pursue repair.
Several of Yasmen and Josiah’s significant relationship breakthroughs occur as a result of their therapy sessions. Josiah realizes he must break up with Vashti after reflecting on his own therapy experiences and hearing Kassim express gratitude for his own therapist. Yasmen decides, with the support of her therapist, that she should “be about the business of making the life [she] deserve[s]” instead of perpetually atoning for her past mistakes (4125). This decision pushes her to pursue her connection with Josiah. He reciprocates by seeking Dr. Musa’s support in setting boundaries with Yasmen and committing to being honest about his own desires and needs. Dr. Musa helps him understand that his earlier struggles with impotence were “[his] body expressing grief in the only way it could” (4319). Josiah thus releases his preconceived notions that he must never admit vulnerability and that emotions somehow diminish him.
At the end of the novel, Josiah helps assure Yasmen of his commitment to her by suggesting they see a therapist together, and in the epilogue Hendrix points out that every member of the family is regularly seeing a mental health professional. In Ryan’s view of long-term happiness, self-care through facing mental health challenges is key to sustainable and fulfilling bonds.
