All Adults Here

In these chapters, Straub interrogates gender norms and expectations and uses these concepts to build up the themes of Embracing Your True Self and The Power of Family Support.

Elliot learned gender roles from his mother. While raising her children, Astrid was conventional in her ideas about women and men, and she passed that on to her children. Therefore, when Astrid breaks out of these norms, Elliot feels that it’s a betrayal of what Astrid made him stand for. Elliot has worked hard to fulfill his own gender stereotype, so Astrid’s abandonment of hers threatens the authenticity and relevance of Elliot’s identity. Elliot has internalized his society’s expectations of him, so all deviations tear away at the façade of Elliot’s life. Rather than feeling happy for his mother’s newfound happiness, Elliot fixates on this perceived betrayal.

These chapters add a little more depth to Elliot’s resentment of Astrid. Chapter 33 reveals that he once overheard Astrid predicting his own failure; this memory, just like the memory of Astrid refusing to discuss his sexuality, shapes his feelings and decisions as an adult. Ironically, it is Birdie who, in Chapter 33, tries to help Elliot feel more comfortable with his life and his choices; but Elliot wants to prove to his mother that he is a man capable of being successful without her.

Elliot’s new building provides an opportunity to either exacerbate or mend this conflict with his mother. The new building can be turned into another small business that adds charm and community to Clapham, or it can be rented out to a corporation that will change the culture of the town. Because Astrid is so connected with the town, other characters encourage Elliot to reach out to her for her opinion, placing Elliot yet again in the push-and-pull of his gendered ideas. Elliot is not only hurt by his mother’s pursuit of authenticity, but he also feels emasculated by not asserting his own opinion and making a firm decision about the building he owns. Thus, Elliot’s new building is a symbol of his relationship with his mother and the divergent paths this relationship can take. This building could be a great example of New Beginnings via The Power of Family Support—or it could be Elliot’s attempt at building a wall between himself and Astrid once and for all.

The theme of family comes into play in Chapter 35, when Astrid’s children gather together. For the first time, Nicky, Porter, and Elliot can fully air their grievances over Astrid’s parenting and rediscover their own bonds with each other. Nicky and Elliot already have children, while Porter is expecting; in this way, they can bond not only as siblings, but as parents who share an unspoken understanding of the childrearing practices they are trying to avoid. As siblings, they are able to commiserate over their worries and mistakes without having to explain Astrid’s influence over their lives; at the same time, they clash over differing ideals, particularly Porter—who fully supports Astrid’s relationship with Birdie—and Elliot, who disapproves.

Like Astrid, Porter’s unconventional lifestyle challenges traditional gender roles. Porter refuses to be limited by society norms, and as such, she makes bold decisions like becoming a single mother and rekindling a doomed relationship. Rachel is something of a foil to Porter—they are in similar situations, but for vastly different reasons, and their attitudes are completely different. Porter and Rachel face a steep uphill climb in raising children on their own, but both women are formidable in standing up for their own goals and desires.

Porter’s unconventional choice surprises her mother, who for many years lived the traditional wife-mother dynamic. Porter worries about being a good mom and decides to be more affectionate than Astrid was with her. But Astrid is also doing the best she can; she acknowledges that, while her intentions were good, she made mistakes with her kids in the past. Porter and Astrid’s differences can be seen as a difference in time period and culture. Porter lives in a world in which she can become a mother on her own with (somewhat) less stigma, but such autonomy was uncommon and unsupported when Astrid was younger. Astrid fulfilled the cultural norms for women her society expected, while Porter represents the modern, independent woman.

However, Porter also falls into the trap of stereotypical gendered dynamics. She makes herself believe she and Jeremy are in love to push away the guilt she feels about sleeping with a married man. She blames his wife for no longer making Jeremy happy. She believes, without reason, that Jeremy will leave his wife and kids for her, thus legitimizing their relationship and, essentially, her. Porter relies on Jeremy not just for sex but for feelings of self-worth that she misses. In these chapters, though the affair is ongoing, Porter begins to acknowledge that her pursuit of Jeremy is not the fairytale romance she wants it to be; though she still attempts to convince herself that she and Jeremy are in love, she confesses to her brothers and admits that it would be best to end the relationship. This shift indicates Porter’s character growth; once again, with The Power of Family Support, she is finding her maturity and independence.

As a wife and mother, Wendy fills a more traditional female role. Though she does still work as a lawyer, she’s largely given up her career for her family. She also defers many of her life’s choices to Elliot’s preferences. Wendy works hard to maintain their household while Elliot is at work, and he often treats his home life as stressful even though Wendy is the one who is consistently present. Elliot and Wendy both feel trapped by their lives due to the pressure of gendered expectations. In Chapters 25 and 27, Wendy has the opportunity to show some autonomy—she helps Elliot with his building contract, which rekindles their attraction to each other, and she reaches out to Porter to ask for her help in getting Elliot to talk to Astrid. This is another example of The Power of Family Support; though Wendy and Porter are not close, they share a familial connection as well as a feminine one, which is why Wendy feels comfortable asking Porter for support.

Lastly, Straub explores gender norms and the theme of Embracing Your True Self through the character of Robin. Robin reveals that she identifies as a girl once she trusts Cecilia. Robin’s gender identity is a secret because she is afraid of how society will treat her, a fear well-founded in a history of anti-LGBTQ+ biases and ignorance. These fears are, in a way, proven true via the bullies at school—one of whom, ironically, is Sidney, whose father is having an extramarital affair. Just as Cecelia represents Nicky’s attempt to break free from Astrid’s cold, uncaring parenting style, Sidney acts as a reflection of Jeremy, indicating that he has passed down his tendencies to lie and manipulate.

Like Cecelia, Robin represents metaphorical New Beginnings. The fact that she embraces her identity as a girl at such a young age, even if in private, shows that she is brave and mature. Likewise, Cecelia’s willingness to stand up for her friend—even though doing the right thing got her in trouble at her old school—proves that Nicky has successfully raised Cecelia differently than Astrid raised him. Adult characters in this book do not have the conscientiousness about their true identities the way Robin does, nor do they have the level of certain integrity that Cecelia possesses. Robin’s parents also seem supportive; they offer to discuss her gender identity and agree to keep it a secret until she is ready to make the permanent switch from August to Robin. In the meantime, Robin is able to embrace her true self around Cecelia, who cherishes their bond as proof of her own new beginning.

Robin’s character challenges gender norms because she defies the concept that a person’s sex at birth informs their gender identity and selfhood. Though Robin was technically assigned male at birth, she feels more fully herself as a girl. This is a level of self-actualization that few adults achieve; therefore, Straub presents Robin as a role model of authenticity.